Today I went to the zoo. Many of the exhibits were under construction, so I was given the unique opportunity to study the habits and mating rituals of the elusive Caterpillar tractor in its natural habitat.
One thing led to another and I then found myself in the Fragile Desert exhibit observing a group of caracals. One girl wildly exclaimed, “They’re adventuring! I love when they’re adventuring!” By adventuring, she meant that one of the cat-like creatures with long black ears climbed out of a milk crate where it had been sleeping, yawned, and then proceeded to lick its own ass.
After several caracal related adventures, things naturally progressed toward the black-footed cat where a young brat was obstructing my view with not only several obnoxious shenanigans but also general debauchery. So I pointed to one of the glass cases nearby that was being worked on by zookeepers and pretended to be thrilled at the discovery of the most amazing creature I had ever seen. There was, of course, no animal in the case at all but that stupid kid spent ten minutes looking for one anyway - especially since I kept egging him on.
The black-footed cat is half the size of a domestic cat, twice as aggressive, and at least four times as adorable. However, it does not drink water and thus cannot be trusted. So I left.
Upon exiting the desert, the sky became very angry and a thunderstorm broke out of nowhere. I thought about going home; but lions, tigers, zebras and giraffes look a lot more dramatic when they’re backlit with lightning. Plus, I was pretty lost and had no idea how one would leave the zoo anyway.
I soon realized that the zoo can be quite horrifying. Think about it. Not only were exotic animals surrounding me and only visible between strobes of lightning, but there were children with painted faces running around and rhinoceroses pissing in every direction. I also got into a fight with a river hog but I don’t want to talk about it. Stupid goddamn river hog. Who does he think he is, violating the huma- …
Anyway, several strangers banded together around a kangaroo statue because the storm was getting worse and unmanageable and (according to a sign by the primate exhibit) primates are social creatures that deal with environmental threats together. I had my part in making a man wearing a tablecloth into the de facto leader of the group because he had a real human female companion and that meant he was one step ahead of me. He said we should all go one way and I went in the opposite direction because who the hell listens to a guy wearing a tablecloth?
I ran into a dolphin underwater viewing area while the rest of the group (I can only assume) was eaten by man-sized condors. Something there immediately caught my attention: an ominous-looking door with a sign and accompanying countdown counter next to it that said: “Dolphin Research Dock #1: Boat departs in 28 seconds.”
Man I was excited. I was going to get the chance to do science on a boat! I made sure my shirt buttons were all securely fastened and adjusted my hair because I had just run down a stroller ramp into an underwater dolphin viewing area; I wasn’t ready for field work and had no idea how else to prepare.
When the counter reached zero, I eagerly boarded the science vessel. I anxiously checked under all the seats for a case of harpoon guns because doing science at sea typically means you have to spear things. I was so jazzed I could hardly contain myself.
But that’s when the lights went dim and a projector warmed up. Wait. The boat was fake! It was cemented to the ground. There wasn’t even any water. We weren’t going anywhere!
After two minutes (that seemed like hours) of a man telling me about a whole bunch of boring things on a projector screen, I decided to fumble around in the dark for an exit. I found one. But when I forced the door open, I realized it was an emergency exit that was attached to a number of sirens and alarms. While World War III went off all around me, I had to think of a plan to play it cool so I shouted, “Boat people! It is the hurricane alarm! Abandon ship! Women and children off the starboard bow!” But no one moved or tossed any women and children off anything. They were probably confused on which one was starboard. Fools.
I decided to run out of the underwater viewing area and brave the rain. Preoccupied with the question “wait, which side’s starboard and which is port again?” I ran into a man wearing a monkey on his head who I assumed was zoo security. Naturally I had to toss him into the electrified elephant fence. I mean now that I think about it, he was probably just trying to sell Dippin’ Dots, but any Dippin’ Dots salesman knows his career path is wrought with peril so he was well aware of the risks of selling ice cream and should have seen that one coming.
I kept running until I found a bus that was leaving the zoo. I slid my transit card in and made a football guy gesture like I had just made a touchdown. I was a zoo fugitive yet I had still been approved for public transportation! Yes!
Now I am going to take a shower to get all this rhinoceros piss off of me while scheming on how to get back at that goddamn river hog.
Black-footed cat. Tiny. Cute. But cannot be trusted.
